Our lives after suicide: The ongoing journey through grieving…and healing

Since September is Suicide Prevention Month, and this week is Suicide Prevention Week specifically, I wanted to deviate from the usual AJENDA content focus on women’s health, weight management, and nutrition to talk to you about suicide and mental illness. Because 7 years ago, it became personal for me and my family. 

On February 11th, 2017, my ex-husband died by suicide, just 2 weeks after our divorce was finalized. 

My children were 17 and 18 years old and this hit our family out of the blue, without warning, shattering our world into a zillion pieces. Rob was a cardiothoracic surgeon who was 52 years old at the time. He had no known history of depression or mental illness. He and I had seen each other just 3 days before at one of Chloe’s ice hockey games and lived across the street from each other after an amicable and mutual divorce.

What we learned (and have continued to learn) about suicide and mental illness since that day when our lives changed forever is enormous, and I want to share some of that with you today. 

First, there is no “typical” picture of mental illness or someone at risk for suicide, just like people who appear healthy can and do die of sudden cardiac death. I believe we should consider anyone and everyone at risk for mental illness and start thinking of this no differently than any other disease. Appearances can be deceiving, and we never truly know how someone is feeling or what demons they may be battling unless we ask. And when we DO ask, we need to wait for the answer. Asking is critical, but also hard. It’s normal to be uncomfortable or afraid that we don’t know how to help or what to do. You don’t need to know—there are trained professionals who can help you or someone who is struggling. (More on this later.). 

I learned how common death from suicide has become.

• Rates are going up: According to 2021 CDC data, suicide deaths in the U.S. increased from 45,979 to 48,183 (4.79%) between the years 2020 and 2021 (the most recent year of released data).

• And for every person who dies by suicide, it is estimated that an average of 165 people are DIRECTLY affected. 

• This means that nearly 8 million people are affected by suicide in this country every single year. 

Ponder that for a moment. That’s a lot of grieving, traumatized people left to cope and heal after this unspeakable loss. 

And as a family, my children and I learned that, with help and courage, healing is possible. And I shared what we learned, and how other people affected by suicide have learned to cope, in my book, Life After Suicide: Finding Courage, Comfort and Community after Unthinkable Loss. (Click here to learn more.) A lot of what I share in the book comes from conversations and lessons learned in therapy, but there are stories from others who lost loved ones to suicide about what has helped and what hasn’t. 

For me, processing the grief is ongoing.

It is now part of me, of who I am, and it’s always there. Some days I feel like the strongest person on Earth because of what I’ve lived through and how much I’ve grown. Other days, I feel like a glued-together piece of porcelain, precariously stable for the moment, but fearful of cracking in the face of another trauma (life does serve up trauma, of course). Most days, it’s somewhere in between, and that’s OK. As one of my wise and beloved 80+-year-old patients once told me: “The purpose of life is not to avoid pain. The purpose of life is to learn how to live through pain.” I can say that I have done that, and that I continue to learn every single day.  

I had, and probably will always have, a degree of guilt for not recognizing that Rob was in trouble until it was too late. I, as a doctor, did not see it. While he did not display any of the classic signs of mental illness or suicidality, looking back, I realized there were signs and issues that likely dated to decades earlier and his youth. I thought Rob was pulling away from me and our marriage when, in reality, he was pulling away from life.

Because of what happened, my children and I prioritize our mental health the same as our physical health. 

We have coping mechanisms in place for life’s tough times. We’ve learned and now practice proper mental health/psychological well-being components of day-to-day life (communication, meditation, and stress management). And we’re in regular contact with our amazing and brilliant therapist, Dr. Sue Simring, even when things are “going well.” Today, with the increased number of apps and virtual mental healthcare support, it is easier and cheaper to access professional help than ever before (although it still needs to improve). 

Today, I’m proud of my children, now almost 25 and 26, for living their lives in a manner that honors their father’s memory—with kindness, empathy, and gratitude in their hearts, rather than anger and resentment. They have inspired and encouraged me from Day 1 to use my platform to discuss this painful issue so others can be helped. This encouragement gave me the guts to talk about this publicly and write my book.

Just 2 weeks after Rob’s death, my son Alex said to me, “Mom, I’m not going hide this from people. There’s no reason to. Dad had a disease that killed him. It’s no different than cancer or heart disease. If he had died of a heart attack, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to tell people, and this is no different.” My children amazed me then, and they continue to amaze me today. I know Rob is watching and is similarly proud of the wonderful humans they are.

How you can help prevent suicide.

The vital information that follows is from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP.org). Knowing this information, and SHARING it widely, can literally help save lives, and I encourage you to do so.  

• Evidence-based suicide prevention strategies exist. Since many factors can contribute to suicide, it requires multiple prevention strategies that are customizable. 

• Public education and greater awareness about suicide and prevention can reduce suicide deaths. Asking someone if they are having suicidal thoughts does not “plant the idea” in their head. Don’t be afraid to ask; if they say yes, reassure them that there is professional help and hope available. Do not leave them alone, and if necessary, bring them to an emergency room.

• Data shows suicide increases for people of color and young adults, so it’s important to develop and provide customized, widely accessible, and culturally informed prevention and treatment efforts.

If you’re concerned that you or someone you know might be experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, there’s help. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suggests these steps:

Learn the signs of someone who may be at risk for suicide. Often there are changes in behavior such as mood swings, angry outbursts, or loss of interest in activities they love.  

Reach out to someone who you think may be struggling. Trust your gut if you are concerned. Ask directly if they have thoughts of ending their life—research shows this is helpful and does not put the thought in their mind. Connect those who are struggling to help. Share the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (listed below), and learn about local and statewide resources, as well as those for minority communities.

Think of the warning signs of suicide as how someone behaves, things they may be saying, and what their mood is. Something to look out for when concerned that a person may be suicidal is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors. This is most concerning if the new or changed behavior is related to a painful event, loss, or other life change. Most people who take their lives exhibit one or more warning signs, either through what they say or what they do. Here are some of those signs:

WARNING 1: TALK

Take note if a person talks about:

• Killing themselves

• Feeling hopeless

• Having no reason to live

• Being a burden to others

• Feeling trapped

• Experiencing unbearable pain

WARNING 2: BEHAVIOR

Behaviors that may signal risk, especially if related to a painful event, loss, or change:

• Increased use of alcohol or drugs

• Looking for a way to end their lives, such as searching online for methods

• Withdrawing from activities

• Isolating from family and friends

• Sleeping too much or too little

• Visiting or calling people (to say goodbye)

• Giving away prized possessions

• Aggression

• Fatigue

WARNING 3: MOOD

People who are considering suicide often display one or more of the following moods:

• Depressed

• Anxious

• Lethargic/no interest

• Irritable

• Humiliated/ashamed

• Agitated/angry

• Showing sudden improvement

Guidance for having “The Conversation.”

It can be uncomfortable, even downright difficult to start a conversation about the state of a loved one’s mental well-being and to know how to provide them with the help they need. Two organizations have come together to make this their mission.

Created by Jack.org in partnership with the Born This Way Foundation, the Be There Certificate is a free, online mental health course, available in English, French, and Spanish, designed to provide you with the knowledge, skills, and confidence to safely support anyone who may be struggling with their mental health. The Be There Certificate provides a deep understanding of Be There’s 5 Golden Rules—a simple but actionable framework on how to recognize when someone might be struggling with their mental health, what your role should be to support that person, and how to connect them to the help they deserve.

So far, 50,000 people have earned the Be There Certificate. The program was created for young people, but the wisdom and insights shared are valuable for anyone looking to prioritize their mental health and learn the skills to support themselves and others in crisis.

To learn more about the Be There Certificate and the 5 Golden Rules, please visit betherecertificate.org.

A note to anyone grieving a loss to suicide

My daughter Chloe was very close to her dad. For today’s newsletter, I asked her to share some of her feelings, and how she copes with the loss of her father.

When I lost my dad to suicide, I remember thinking I’d never feel strong again. I felt weaker and more vulnerable than I ever thought possible. I wanted my world to return to what it once was, and I thought I’d be perpetually stuck in a sequence of difficult days. I sometimes still get scared of the hard days I know lay before me. One of the things that scares me most is feeling like having a hard day means I’m somehow defeated.

Now, 7½ years after losing my dad, I’ve learned that progress in the grieving process is not defined by the absence of difficult days but rather by what I do after those difficult moments. I’m slowly working on allowing myself the grace to have those weak moments, which helps me to show myself how strong and resilient I’ve become. With each difficult day, it gets easier (even if it doesn’t always feel like it) to muster the strength to wake up in the morning and live my life in a way that would make my dad proud and make me proud: with patience, kindness, and resilience. 

So, my advice to myself in those future difficult moments, and to anyone in a similar position, is to define your strength not by the number of moments when you feel weak but by the number of times you’re able to recover from those moments. I promise that by focusing on the strength you’ve already demonstrated, you will feel pride in honoring the person you lost. If you’re reading this, you’ve already won this battle, and you’re already strong. You’ve got this!

ABOUT DR. JEN

In her roles as chief medical correspondent for ABC News and on-air cohost of “GMA3: What You Need to Know,” Dr. Jennifer Ashton—”Dr. Jen”—has shared the latest health news and information with millions of viewers nationwide. As an OB-GYN, nutritionist, and board-certified obesity medicine specialist, she is passionate about promoting optimal health for “the whole woman.” She has written several books, including the best-selling book, The Self-Care Solution: A Year of Becoming Happier, Healthier & Fitter—One Month at a Time. And she has gone through menopause…

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